To be completely honest, I’m not one to remember dates or times or even major events. Everything seems to be a blur in my life, even these days where every day just feels the same. However, March 13, 2020 will forever be a day I won’t forget.
Now, don’t ask me what I ate for breakfast that day or what the weather was like. But, I remember the feelings. I remember feeling so relieved that I was finally getting a break. I remember feeling like I finally had time to catch up on assignments and get ahead of my classes. I never knew how much deeper the hole of quarantine would get. I never knew how much the rest of 2020 would transform my life and my junior year.
If my quarantine could be described in one word, it would be angst. Anxiety about the world outside my safe home. Anxiety about the small world inside my own home. Anxiety in my head, anxiety about school, anxiety for my friends and family, anxiety about my future. Anxiety to do something. The angst keeps building up inside me, either to do something for myself or for the world.
With my internal predicament, I find myself relating more and more to one unexpected character: Holden Caulfield. Who knew the first book I read in my junior year English class would end up having so much meaning to a quarantined teenager filled with angst?
Holden and I actually have a lot in common.
We tend to focus on the little things, usually the things that bother us and fixate our minds on it.
We like to pick apart other people without realizing the hypocrisy within ourselves.
We’re a tad bit egotistical, but we’re also too hard on ourselves.
We like to hold onto the past, because the future is a scary place.
We’re both lost in life, not knowing where the journey will take us.
It’s funny how life takes you back to where you started. I never thought I’d relate to Holden because when initially reading Catcher in the Rye, I found him annoying, obsessive and narcissistic. Those are certainly not traits I’d like to associate myself with.
But now, I realize why Holden shaped out to be that way. I realize why Holden was the way he was: he was just a teenager. There’s no hidden metaphors or symbolism. Like me, he was figuring everything out and struggling along the way.
Holden spent a lot of his time thinking about the future, the past and the present. He thought about who he wanted to associate himself with, and oftentimes criticized the people around him.
Like Holden, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking, especially during my quarantine.
For example, before March 13, I didn’t realize how much I took physicalschool for granted. I didn’t realize how much just being at a physical school was actually a daily privilege. It was almost a sacred place, where I could interact with my friends and other people my age, where I could ask questions and learn about interesting topics, where I could receive (free!) advice from adults. Being in a physical school gave me so much, yet I took it for granted. I got my social fulfillment for the day, I learned a few things, and even ate the mediocre pasta from the cafeteria.
With physical school, I’m kept grounded and balanced. I’m challenged and stuffed with information. I interact with others and learn new things.
Now, everything is online. Don’t get me wrong, I loved it at first. I thought Wow! This is going to be so easy! Until I lost all motivation to do even the easiest of assignments. I found myself sleeping in on a daily basis and staying up until 4 am just to complete the small amount of assignments I had. I found myself forgetting basic study habits, formulas I used everyday in class and even grammar rules. I found myself struggling to remember assignments or tests I had coming up. After all, I didn’t have a teacher behind my shoulder to remind me of what was coming up.
Online school has taught me one thing: everything is much more loose. I could miss a few meetings, and it’s okay. I could take a break. I could sleep in. I could forget about an assignment. I could take a sick day.
With online school, it’s like my head is in the clouds. I feel free and find peace within myself. Everything feels soft and comforting, but one small step could cause me to fall back down to the ground.
One reminder of this pandemic could have me tumbling into overwhelming feelings of anxiety. One memory from junior year could have me worrying about how my senior year could turn out.
But being in the clouds isn’t just relaxing, it’s freeing. I’m reminded of a statement I made months ago when writing about school: “Let students question and explore. Let students fuel their passions. Let students find their own purpose.”
For the first time in months, I’ve had time to open a book. I’ve had time to learn freely. I’ve had time to write for myself. I’ve had time to make art. I’ve had time to create freely. I’ve had time to play my ukulele and guitar. I’ve even had time to catch up on some Netflix shows.
In the clouds, I’m free and infinite within my own mind. I have control over myself and in what I want to learn.
On the ground, I’m sheltered and informed by those around me. Others help to guide my way as I’m tested on my abilities to persevere.
I’ve spent my whole life on the ground. Although the clouds are a nice change of scenery, I miss being down on the ground. I miss seeing my friends and my teachers. I miss the deadlines, the rubrics and the daily routines. I even miss the mediocre pasta.
Sometimes too much freedom causes problems. Sometimes having too much time causes it to slip through the cracks and waste away. Sometimes being stuck inside your own head reminds you of the loneliness among the clouds.
So, this is the predicament I’m in. Which one do I prefer: the clouds or the ground?
When I was on the ground, I kept dreaming to one day fly around in the clouds I gazed at in the sky. Now I’m in the clouds and I can’t help but wonder what it would be like if I was still on the ground.
The truth is I like them both: the freedom of online school (in the clouds) and the structure of physical school (on the ground). It’s hard to choose which one is better, even after having a taste of both. The positive aspects of online school equal the negative aspects of physical school (and vice versa).
The two sides could learn from one another. My biggest concern for physical school is its lack of freedom and time for myself. My biggest concern for online school is the absence of a sense of structure and community. By implementing aspects from both sides, we could have the best of both worlds.
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